A Lesson on Relationships

Well, my first semester as a PhD student at McMaster Divinity College has come to a formal end. Over the next four months, however, I will turn my attention to learning theological German, as a requirement of my PhD work is to pass a reading comprehension exam a modern language other than English. Therefore, I will not post any more academic work until the end of the year.

I believe this is a good thing though, because I have more to say than simply produce papers on academic subjects that interest me. Therefore, I have decided that this post will be on the subject of relationships. In fact, when I think about it, this is a subject I will probably return to again and again, because we cannot and should not escape being in community with others, which ultimately means we need other people.

The problem with people, however, is people. We all suffer from some type of brokenness (i.e. SIN), and because of sin we continuously screw up our relationships whether intentionally or unintentionally.

I mention the "screw up" part because I feel some really let me down this weekend. Now, I said the word feel because I am expressing my own perspective of the situation, which may not be what the other person actually intended to do. They may have not meant to hurt me at all. So, expressing emotionally is important. Just on a side note; the inability or lack of effort to express emotionally is, in my opinion, THE MAIN reason many relationships simply do not work out. By the way, the person that hurt me is not my wife. I would not blog about it if she was the culprit. Too personal.

No, the person that hurt me is one with whom I am in a relatively new relationship. I made a classical mistake. I did not use discernment. It is my weakness, because I trust people too easily. I said too much about a very deep personal, ongoing issue. No, I'm not telling everyone in cyberspace what the issue is. Anyway...the response that I received was way overly simplistic. I'm almost certain this person didn't me to "fix" my problem(s) with cliches and very generalized statements, but I felt they did. Again, just a side note: when are we going to stop trying to fix problems first, and simply listen and attempt to understand the problem being expressed? Scripture does not tell us to that we should first try to "fix" anything. It does command us, however, to LISTEN. I felt this person did not listen to the emotion I was expressing. Again, this was my mistake, as I sometimes expect people to communicate on an emotional level too quickly. In other words, I make the mistake of thinking that everyone should communicate on an emotional level quickly because I try to do so.

It felt as if I laid a good amount of my pain out to this person and they just dismissed it. I can only assume this, because this person's experience is significantly different from my own. This, however, is not a valid excuse. We all have different experiences and backgrounds that shape us. This is why LISTENING and EMPATHIZING are so important in communicating with others, but it such skills take EFFORT. Something I feel this person did not offer me. I poured out so much that has effected me for so long and they respond by saying to spend more time with God. Now, at a basic level, there is nothing wrong with this response, but this answer simply leaves out so much, because addressing problems spiritually is not the ONLY way of dealing with them. Spending time with God is part of the solution, but not the TOTAL solution. I was hoping this person would have offered more, considering their background is complex and has been filled with significant pain as well. My expectations may have been too high.

In case, you haven't noticed. I am ANGRY. By the way, Christ-followers are allowed to be angry. Angry is a proper emotion when we perceive we have been hurt by others. Anger is only sinful when we misuse it.

Writing about this relational hiccup is my way of NOT trying to misuse anger. How? Because I have done the same thing to others this person has done to me. See, God wants us in relationships with each other so we can learn to extend and receive grace. So we can learn to forgive. In other words, they give us the opportunity to experience Christ-likeness in our lives.
So, I will forgive this person. But forgiveness does not mean that I will significantly communicate with this person on an emotional level for a while.

I do hope this relationship will lead to some sort of reconciliation, because this is what Christ wants for his body. But, I won't focus on this initially. All I can do is to first focus on forgiving this person, praying against the temptation to flee from relationship with others and becoming cynical about the people I am called to be in relationship with, namely the Church.

I extend grace and forgiveness to this person, because I NEED it as well. Following Christ is NEVER easy, but it is worth it. Of course, following Christ is based on faith. But faith is what God asks of us. He asks us to trust Him and trust each other, even though both are so hard sometimes. But, realistically, all things really worth having are difficult to obtain. So, I encourage you as much as myself to work at trusting God and each other, and don't give up on either, as relationships are truly worth the work.